2006-11-09
Life philosophy.
From The Autograph Man, by Zadie Smith:
"Alex slid down the bath, submerged and watched the ceiling swim. When he surfaced, he had wet his questionnare and had to hang it over a radiator to dry...
'Please feel free to write your own philosophy of life in the space below.'
Regret everything and always live in the past."
I am an emotional pack rat. I hang on to every thought or emotion that has passed through my head for more than a few moments, and then trot them out on parade over and over again to relive all the things I should have done. And there's a lot, believe me, but there's this one...
I constantly beat myself up over it, for being a wuss, for not pushing myself out of my comfort zone for one lousy second to try something new, something that might actually turn out ok. But I didn't, I stayed my usual stoic self and pretended that I didn't really care that much when inside I was bursting. Awesome, as always. Why didn't I just make a move? What would he have done? What would be the worse that could happen? I would be rejected and then never see him again? Hell, that happens to me now, when I'm playing it "safe". Why didn't I just say what I wanted to, or do what I wanted to, just to see what it would feel like for one second to not be ruled by insecurity. There was this one moment, when I was standing behind him at the show, and all I wanted to do was press my face into the spot on his back between his shoulder blades, and stay there forever. It was such a sudden and intense urge, that I still think about it, everyday. And throughout the day I'll think about him, wonder what he's going, wonder if maybe (just maybe) he's thinking the same thing about me at the same time and almost feel like I'm connected to something else in the universe. (Of course he's not. OF COURSE, he's not, because things like that don't happen to girls like me. But, sometimes I wonder.)
Is there a point for regret? Some master purpose for me to kick myself over things not done? One would assume that it would serve to show me the error of my ways, a simple case of cause and effect: If I remain too scared to do something, my life will never progress. But has it taught me anything? I mean, really? Really, the only thing it has seemed to produce is this outrageously whiny and long drunken entry.
And, I'm out of wine. Damn.
corin82 at 10:06 p.m.