2006-06-21
Docent
"Hello? Hello, can everyone please gather around, the tour is about to begin? Yes, yes, over here. Everyone here? Great...
"Well, hello everyone. My name is Jane and I will be your guide for today's tour through the Museum of What Your Life Could Have Been. Before we start, just a few things: please turn off all cell phones and pagers, the restrooms are located in the lobby to the right of the reception desk, and please, no flash photography. The objects are very rare and are easily damaged.
"Alright then, first a little history: The Museum of What Your Life Could Have Been was established in the late 20th century, sometime in the early 1980s. It began as a small collection of dreams and ideas by young newly married couple, but truly came into fruition around the time you began to walk and were first able to distinguish between your life and the lives of others. This, of course, was the start of a very long life of wanting something else that you can't have.
"Our first exhibit here is a collection of all the desirable family characteristics that were left out of your genetic make-up. As you can see by this computer generated image, the person you could have been had the crap shoot of genetics worked in your favor is not only staggeringly good-looking but is also the pinnacle of good health. When looking at this image, one can't help but feel a sense of envy, of awe. This is person that everyone wants to be and to be around. I'm sorry, what's that? Yes, yes, it would be wonderful if you looked like that, wouldn't it? But, after all, this is The Museum of What Your Life Could Have Been, not The Museum of a Life Lived on Short Stumpy Legs.
"Continuing on, we have now reached the Childhood Memories wing. To your left we have the brand-new bicycle you desperately wanted for your seventh birthday. Notice how brilliantly the red paint plays with the spotless chrome finish. Had your parents loved you enough to get this for you, your childhood summers would have been full of adventures and experiences, rather than wasted in front of the television.
"Over here is the puppy you wanted, complete with soft fur and button nose. And if I remember correctly you actually received...that's right, a baby brother. Well who knows, perhaps if you were given that puppy he too would have destroyed your things, irritated you to know end and stolen your parent's attention. Actually, no he wouldn't have; this puppy would have provided you with a never ending supply of unconditional love and comfort. Oh well, moving on...
"Here we have the program to the high school musical, in which you had the leading role. Rather than fainting from overwhelming fear at your audition, you instead wowed not only the teachers, but your peers as well, bringing most of them to tears with your rich, angelic voice. At this particular performance, a talent scout would have been so moved with your performance, he would have found you backstage and offered you not just a recording contract, but also acting roles that would have turned you into one of the most talented actors since the invention of celluloid.
"This next document is your acceptance letter to various prestigious schools, many including complete scholarship offers. Now while your preponderance for skipping classes to smoke pot in your car led you to a promising run at community college, had you actually attended your classes, you would have excelled at your studies with such an ease, you could have made valedictorian during the commercial breaks of your favorite shows.
"Now if you'll come this way please, we are now entering the Hall of Potential Lovers. As you'll no doubt notice, there are a staggering number of people pictured, many of whom are very attractive and successful. No doubt you'll recognize a few of your favorite celebrities. Here's an interesting fact: not only were all these people attracted to you without the inebriating effects of alcohol, but thanks to your exceptional sexual prowess and abilities many chose to become celibate after their encounter with you, ruined to the touch of any other.
"And finally, please follow me into the Adulthood wing. Here we have the complete set of papers in which you cured not only every type of cancer and degenerative disease, but also outlined the beginnings of cold fusion and an outline for a plan to end world hunger. Apparently, the portions of your brains that can hardly retain the cheat codes for you favorite video games after the erosive effects of years of binge drinking actually contained an infinite amount of potential that could not only solve most of the world's greatest problems, but would have made you unbelievably and blisteringly stinking rich.
"As you can see we are continuously adding on to the display. The next step of our expansion plan is the Marriage exhibit that will a demonstration of the eternal love of a beautiful spouse that will, let's face it, elude you completely. It will also include examples of the perfect and well-behaved children that would never create the disappointment your actual children will spawn.
"On your way out of the museum, don't forget to stop by the gift shop. We offer some beautiful souvenirs, including posters showing what your body would look like if you actually used that gym membership you've been paying for, and a gorgeous leather-bound collection of all the clever comebacks you've ever thought of just moments after the situation has passed.
"On behalf of the museum, I'd like to thank you for coming and we hope that you will join us again. And remember, if you'd ever like to see all the ways your life could be better, we're always available to show you were you went wrong."
corin82 at 8:15 p.m.